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And don’t get Bill Allen mixed up with Sherman Allen. On Feb.
21st, Reverend Sherman Allen of Fort Worth's Shiloh
Institutional Church of God in Christ (a Pentecostal sect) was
accused of anally raping women and then paddling them. Local
papers delighted in using his nick-name, "Reverend Spanky."
21st, Reverend Sherman Allen of Fort Worth's Shiloh
Institutional Church of God in Christ (a Pentecostal sect) was
accused of anally raping women and then paddling them. Local
papers delighted in using his nick-name, "Reverend Spanky."
For some reason America wasn’t surprised when it was revealed that
Claude Allen was Bush’s domestic policy advisor. There was a certain
ZEN to it.
Claude Allen was Bush’s domestic policy advisor. There was a certain
ZEN to it.
| SHERMAN ALLEN |
Talk show hosts are always good for a snicker. For the self-righteous like Bill
O’Reilly and Rush Limbaugh, schadenfreude is easily achieved. In 2003,
when Limbaugh was arrested for ‘doctor shopping’ in an effort obtain more
pain medication suddenly Mr. Know-it-all was caught groveling to his maid to
help him find a fix. Under court order, Limbaugh must now submit to random
drug testing and is prohibited from owning a firearm.
O’Reilly and Rush Limbaugh, schadenfreude is easily achieved. In 2003,
when Limbaugh was arrested for ‘doctor shopping’ in an effort obtain more
pain medication suddenly Mr. Know-it-all was caught groveling to his maid to
help him find a fix. Under court order, Limbaugh must now submit to random
drug testing and is prohibited from owning a firearm.
Bill pleaded guilty in 2007, but his sentencing has been
delayed. Allegations have surfaced that brings the
schadenfreude like a priest to an altar boy. It seems Allen has
been having a decade long affair with a crack whore he met
when she was thirteen.
delayed. Allegations have surfaced that brings the
schadenfreude like a priest to an altar boy. It seems Allen has
been having a decade long affair with a crack whore he met
when she was thirteen.
| CLAUDE ALLEN |
SKY PILOTS JABBERING INTO HEAVEN |
Even though Mackris protested, O’Reilly wouldn’t shut up.
The schadenfreude train doesn’t pull into the station until the
news surfaced that Mackris recorded everything. A quick
internet search will easily reveal a verbatim text of O’Reilly’s
sexual predilections, including the time he brought himself to
orgasm with a vibrator while talking to her.
O’Reilly settled the lawsuit. Duh.
The schadenfreude train doesn’t pull into the station until the
news surfaced that Mackris recorded everything. A quick
internet search will easily reveal a verbatim text of O’Reilly’s
sexual predilections, including the time he brought himself to
orgasm with a vibrator while talking to her.
O’Reilly settled the lawsuit. Duh.
A side-order of schadenfreude comes with this meal when her parents decided to use the little
book of crack whore baby names. Bambi Tyree was the winner.
book of crack whore baby names. Bambi Tyree was the winner.
TALK SHOW HOSTS |
After the first complainant stepped forward, four foot tall Allen was besieged with accusations
from other women regarding how he attempted to vanquish the lesbian demon that dwelt within
their vagina - with his penis.
from other women regarding how he attempted to vanquish the lesbian demon that dwelt within
their vagina - with his penis.
Bill Allen is the famous Republican and CEO of Veco oil who
bribed his way around the Alaskan legislature just enough to
secure himself a reservation for a 9 X 12 cell.
bribed his way around the Alaskan legislature just enough to
secure himself a reservation for a 9 X 12 cell.
In October of 2004, Bill O'Reilly, right-wing conservative talk
show host on Fox News, was sued for sexual harassment by his
producer, Andrea Mackris. On many occasions she was phone
sex raped by O’Reilly.
show host on Fox News, was sued for sexual harassment by his
producer, Andrea Mackris. On many occasions she was phone
sex raped by O’Reilly.
And don’t confuse Bill Allen with Claude Allen. Claude was the allen given
the “highest ranking / petty criminal” award after pleading guilty in 2006 to
theft. A criminal mastermind, Claude thought it would be a good idea to
make phony returns at discount department stores but instead received a
$500 fine and was given two years probation.
the “highest ranking / petty criminal” award after pleading guilty in 2006 to
theft. A criminal mastermind, Claude thought it would be a good idea to
make phony returns at discount department stores but instead received a
$500 fine and was given two years probation.
| BILL ALLEN |
| BAMBI TYREE |
The religious always-right have contributed
to America’s schadenfreude like no other
group. Jim Bakker’s story of stealing millions
from his ministry doesn’t reach
schadenfreude status until America heard
what many consider to be “the immaculate
line.” Trying to seduce his secretary, Jessica
Hahn, Bakker said, “If you help the
shepherd, you help the flock.” In
September of 2004, TBN televangelist Paul
Crouch followed Bakker’s tradition of ritual
embarrassment by paying Enock Lonnie
Ford $425,000 to conceal their homosexual
liaisons at the network-owned cabin at Lake
Arrowhead.
to America’s schadenfreude like no other
group. Jim Bakker’s story of stealing millions
from his ministry doesn’t reach
schadenfreude status until America heard
what many consider to be “the immaculate
line.” Trying to seduce his secretary, Jessica
Hahn, Bakker said, “If you help the
shepherd, you help the flock.” In
September of 2004, TBN televangelist Paul
Crouch followed Bakker’s tradition of ritual
embarrassment by paying Enock Lonnie
Ford $425,000 to conceal their homosexual
liaisons at the network-owned cabin at Lake
Arrowhead.
| Jim and Tammie Faye Bakker |
| Paul and Jan Crouch |
| Jimmy Swaggart |
In 1986 Reverend Jimmy Swaggart worked diligently as his own worst enemy. After exposing
fellow minister Marvin Gorman’s affair with a parishioner, Gorman hired a private investigator
to follow Swaggart. Shortly thereafter pictures were produced showing Swaggart and a
prostitute enter a cheap hotel. After being confronted with the pictures Swaggart refused to
come clean, but by 1988 he was forced into admitting his terrible sin and gave his famous
tearful speech, “I have sinned against you, my Lord, and I would ask that your precious
blood would wash and cleanse every stain until it is in the seas of God's forgiveness,” which
is now used by countless heathens such as myself for the Thanksgiving blessing.
fellow minister Marvin Gorman’s affair with a parishioner, Gorman hired a private investigator
to follow Swaggart. Shortly thereafter pictures were produced showing Swaggart and a
prostitute enter a cheap hotel. After being confronted with the pictures Swaggart refused to
come clean, but by 1988 he was forced into admitting his terrible sin and gave his famous
tearful speech, “I have sinned against you, my Lord, and I would ask that your precious
blood would wash and cleanse every stain until it is in the seas of God's forgiveness,” which
is now used by countless heathens such as myself for the Thanksgiving blessing.
Gary Aldridge
Gary Aldridge is one of the greatest in hidden schadenfreude stories. In Oct. of
2007, Rev. Gary Aldridge was a well liked pastor of the Thorington Road Baptist
Mega-Church in Alabama. Once again, the best schadenfreude doesn’t arrive until
after the event. With his wife and kids out of town, Aldridge thought it would be a fun
to insert a dildo into his rectum before putting on a rubber suit and accidently
hanging himself. When police found him they said every inch of his body was
covered with rubber. (Including the condom that covered the dildo.) Autopsy
recorded that he was found hogtied and wearing two complete wet suits, including a
face mask, diving gloves, slippers, rubberized underwear, and a head mask.
“What is autoerotic asphyxiation daddy?”
They couldn’t explain his death at Sunday mass. They couldn’t post it on the
community bulletin board. They probably came out and said, “Sorry, he’s dead. No
reason. He just died.” How could they say anything else? You can’t just serve - dildo,
rubber suit and autoerotic asphyxiation - on a delicate congregation and then follow
with Amazing Grace. (Although, I would have paid to have seen that.) News must
have spread like a Vegas bride. My schadenfreude guru woke up thinking about the
myriad of right-wing Alabama grandmothers that were given an advance study
course in fetish and fetish safety. Does grandma have a safety word?
Gary Aldridge is one of the greatest in hidden schadenfreude stories. In Oct. of
2007, Rev. Gary Aldridge was a well liked pastor of the Thorington Road Baptist
Mega-Church in Alabama. Once again, the best schadenfreude doesn’t arrive until
after the event. With his wife and kids out of town, Aldridge thought it would be a fun
to insert a dildo into his rectum before putting on a rubber suit and accidently
hanging himself. When police found him they said every inch of his body was
covered with rubber. (Including the condom that covered the dildo.) Autopsy
recorded that he was found hogtied and wearing two complete wet suits, including a
face mask, diving gloves, slippers, rubberized underwear, and a head mask.
“What is autoerotic asphyxiation daddy?”
They couldn’t explain his death at Sunday mass. They couldn’t post it on the
community bulletin board. They probably came out and said, “Sorry, he’s dead. No
reason. He just died.” How could they say anything else? You can’t just serve - dildo,
rubber suit and autoerotic asphyxiation - on a delicate congregation and then follow
with Amazing Grace. (Although, I would have paid to have seen that.) News must
have spread like a Vegas bride. My schadenfreude guru woke up thinking about the
myriad of right-wing Alabama grandmothers that were given an advance study
course in fetish and fetish safety. Does grandma have a safety word?
It made front page news in November of 2006 when founder of the Association of
Life-Giving Churches and leader of the National Association of Evangelicals, Ted
Haggard was caught having sex with a male masseuse after purchasing
methamphetamines. Wait for it. . . . the schadenfreude didn’t arrive until Haggard
decided his atonement was to attend three weeks of intensive anti-homosexual
counseling, overseen by four other ministers. By February of 2007, the job was
done and minister with two first names, Tim Ralph, pronounced Haggard
“completely heterosexual,” and America burped a sarcastic ‘yeah, sure.’ It doesn’t
take a genius to imagine that those four ministers were also repressed
homosexuals hell bent on subduing their own pants demons. Word on the internet
is several gay oriented adult video companies are creating their own docu-dramas
of Haggard’s treatment.
Life-Giving Churches and leader of the National Association of Evangelicals, Ted
Haggard was caught having sex with a male masseuse after purchasing
methamphetamines. Wait for it. . . . the schadenfreude didn’t arrive until Haggard
decided his atonement was to attend three weeks of intensive anti-homosexual
counseling, overseen by four other ministers. By February of 2007, the job was
done and minister with two first names, Tim Ralph, pronounced Haggard
“completely heterosexual,” and America burped a sarcastic ‘yeah, sure.’ It doesn’t
take a genius to imagine that those four ministers were also repressed
homosexuals hell bent on subduing their own pants demons. Word on the internet
is several gay oriented adult video companies are creating their own docu-dramas
of Haggard’s treatment.
Pray the gay away
MARK FOLEY
It’s a well known joke that Congressmen have a long tradition of abhorring
bookmarks because they prefer to bend over the pages. Jokes have a way of
sticking around when anchored with a thread of truthiness. There are several
internet lists of congressional closeted homosexuals, but you can’t mention gay
right wing republicans without mentioning, Mark Foley. In September of 2006
Republican Congressman Mark Foley made front page news when he abruptly
resigned from Congress after “sexually explicit” emails surfaced showing him
flirting with a 16-year old boy. Foley is only worth mentioning because his text
message “flirting,” was nothing of the sort. Take the time on the internet to
download his IM messages and you’ll find what may be the very first ever
documented case of IM cybersex. (Not an easy thing to do while typing with one
hand.)
bookmarks because they prefer to bend over the pages. Jokes have a way of
sticking around when anchored with a thread of truthiness. There are several
internet lists of congressional closeted homosexuals, but you can’t mention gay
right wing republicans without mentioning, Mark Foley. In September of 2006
Republican Congressman Mark Foley made front page news when he abruptly
resigned from Congress after “sexually explicit” emails surfaced showing him
flirting with a 16-year old boy. Foley is only worth mentioning because his text
message “flirting,” was nothing of the sort. Take the time on the internet to
download his IM messages and you’ll find what may be the very first ever
documented case of IM cybersex. (Not an easy thing to do while typing with one
hand.)
Dr. David Hager
Apparently, how women have sex is a huge concern for Dr. W. David Hager.
In 2003, as a Bush appointee to the FDA’s advisory committee to women’s
health, Hager did his best to stop over-the-counter sales of the day-after pill.
Something like that was against his religion. But exploiting women publically
was nothing compared to what he was doing behind closed doors. In 2005 an
article in The Nation brought a first hand account of Hager-sex, by his wife,
the victim. She claimed he had anally raped her for 8 years, often leaving
money in payment for her prostitution services after he was finished. She
would receive more for oral sex. The story only gets weirder after that. When
he was asked about the anal sex he said, “I missed.” Dr. Hager is a
gynecologist.
In 2003, as a Bush appointee to the FDA’s advisory committee to women’s
health, Hager did his best to stop over-the-counter sales of the day-after pill.
Something like that was against his religion. But exploiting women publically
was nothing compared to what he was doing behind closed doors. In 2005 an
article in The Nation brought a first hand account of Hager-sex, by his wife,
the victim. She claimed he had anally raped her for 8 years, often leaving
money in payment for her prostitution services after he was finished. She
would receive more for oral sex. The story only gets weirder after that. When
he was asked about the anal sex he said, “I missed.” Dr. Hager is a
gynecologist.
Mark Foley
Dr. David Hager
PROSTITUTION
Governor Mike Spitzer - lightweight.
Spitzer doesn’t make the cut. While it’s true that Spitzer is the worst kind of
hypocrite by vigorously prosecuting cases of prostitution when he was
attorney general, the story of a politician caught with a call girl is hardly
unique. $80,000 for prostitutes? That doesn’t even make it into the record
books. A discriminating shadenfreudist must only look back to 2004 when
conservative activist and benefactor to many Christian groups in Montana,
Richard A. Dasen Sr., was arrested after paying a 15 year old girl for sex.
Once again, that’s where the story begins.
Upon careful auditing of Dasen’s expenditures, police estimated that Dasen
spent more than 5 million dollars on prostitutes over the last decade. Their
conclusions were confirmed when the rate of petty crimes rose sharply in
the area. Dasen was singlehandedly supporting the methamphetamine
trade for most of the state by only employing addicts. If that wasn’t enough,
as owner of the Christian Financial Counseling service, Dasen often
‘prayed’ upon the cash strapped young women that arrived looking for help
to manage and consolidate their debts.
The schadenfreude icing-on-the-cake arrives when asking the question,
how did the cops know Dasen spent 5 million dollars on prostitutes?
Answer: He always paid with a check. Once again proving the adage, the
best schadenfreude arrives with a side order of stupidity.
Spitzer doesn’t make the cut. While it’s true that Spitzer is the worst kind of
hypocrite by vigorously prosecuting cases of prostitution when he was
attorney general, the story of a politician caught with a call girl is hardly
unique. $80,000 for prostitutes? That doesn’t even make it into the record
books. A discriminating shadenfreudist must only look back to 2004 when
conservative activist and benefactor to many Christian groups in Montana,
Richard A. Dasen Sr., was arrested after paying a 15 year old girl for sex.
Once again, that’s where the story begins.
Upon careful auditing of Dasen’s expenditures, police estimated that Dasen
spent more than 5 million dollars on prostitutes over the last decade. Their
conclusions were confirmed when the rate of petty crimes rose sharply in
the area. Dasen was singlehandedly supporting the methamphetamine
trade for most of the state by only employing addicts. If that wasn’t enough,
as owner of the Christian Financial Counseling service, Dasen often
‘prayed’ upon the cash strapped young women that arrived looking for help
to manage and consolidate their debts.
The schadenfreude icing-on-the-cake arrives when asking the question,
how did the cops know Dasen spent 5 million dollars on prostitutes?
Answer: He always paid with a check. Once again proving the adage, the
best schadenfreude arrives with a side order of stupidity.
RICHARD A. DASEN
REV. GARY ALDRIDGE
| TOP 3 AMERICAN SCHANDENFREUDE |
At first glance Vice-President Cheney’s hunting "accident" will forever be
remembered as the defining moment in American schadenfreude. Not only
did the public receive a dose of weirdness not seen since the Aaron Burr -
Alexander Hamilton duel, they were suddenly privy to what drunk neo-
conservatives do for fun. It wasn’t enough to shoot lobbyists in the face,
Cheney’s fetish was to kill birds already bred in captivity and then only
allowed to fly, for the first time, when he kicked them loose from the scrub
bush where they were placed. Many Americans still remember and revere
the moment when John Stewart brought forth an expensive tea set to help
the audience enjoy the schadenfreude of the moment. It was difficult not to
laugh as his audience was impatiently waiting.
remembered as the defining moment in American schadenfreude. Not only
did the public receive a dose of weirdness not seen since the Aaron Burr -
Alexander Hamilton duel, they were suddenly privy to what drunk neo-
conservatives do for fun. It wasn’t enough to shoot lobbyists in the face,
Cheney’s fetish was to kill birds already bred in captivity and then only
allowed to fly, for the first time, when he kicked them loose from the scrub
bush where they were placed. Many Americans still remember and revere
the moment when John Stewart brought forth an expensive tea set to help
the audience enjoy the schadenfreude of the moment. It was difficult not to
laugh as his audience was impatiently waiting.
DICK CHENEY
While Cheney’s shot heard round the world is excellent schadenfreude, it
only comes in at #3 in America’s best. (but only because there's no
video.) The top 2 come fully recorded. Coming in at #2 is President
George Bush, Sr.
Most 3-Stooges pie fight scenes are staged in the middle of the most
dignified of events for a reason. It’s just funnier. In 1992, when our
President, George Bush Sr., leaned over during a diplomatic dinner and
vomited all over the lap of the Japanese Prime Minister, that was funny.
To be fair, there wasn’t a dignified way for the ultra-conservative
Japanese Prime Minister to respond so he just sat there, with a stoic look
on his face, as if being vomited upon by the most powerful man in the
world was something he hadn’t noticed. I felt terrible for the Prime
Minister but I couldn’t stop laughing at him. It couldn’t have happened to
a nicer guy.
only comes in at #3 in America’s best. (but only because there's no
video.) The top 2 come fully recorded. Coming in at #2 is President
George Bush, Sr.
Most 3-Stooges pie fight scenes are staged in the middle of the most
dignified of events for a reason. It’s just funnier. In 1992, when our
President, George Bush Sr., leaned over during a diplomatic dinner and
vomited all over the lap of the Japanese Prime Minister, that was funny.
To be fair, there wasn’t a dignified way for the ultra-conservative
Japanese Prime Minister to respond so he just sat there, with a stoic look
on his face, as if being vomited upon by the most powerful man in the
world was something he hadn’t noticed. I felt terrible for the Prime
Minister but I couldn’t stop laughing at him. It couldn’t have happened to
a nicer guy.
# 1 - STEPHEN COLBERT
Do a search on http://video.google.com/
Mr. Colbert holds the top spot. On April 29, 2006, Stephen
Colbert, during the White House Correspondents dinner, stepped
up and did what no other man in the media ever dared to do... .
You see, Colbert agrees with President Bush. Colbert isn’t one to
give into facts or statistics. Books are all facts, no heart. Colbert
thinks with his gut. Just like the President. And it’s a well known
fact that “truth has a liberal bias.”
It’s almost excruciating to watch. If you haven’t already, you can
watch the entire thing on Google video. George W. Bush, who has
been extremely careful through his presidency to avoid any direct
contact with detractors or protestors of any kind, was forced to sit
for 24 minutes and listen, with a strained fake smile, as Colbert’s
rapier like wit cut at Bush again, and again, and again. During the
more savage moments, the audience would groan in sympathy as
the President was located a seat away from the Colbert.
The delay schadenfreude didn’t arrive until a year later when the
President’s handler, fearful of another ‘incident,’ booked aging
comedian Rich Little to host the event. Rich Little? No, he’s still
alive.
Mr. Colbert holds the top spot. On April 29, 2006, Stephen
Colbert, during the White House Correspondents dinner, stepped
up and did what no other man in the media ever dared to do... .
You see, Colbert agrees with President Bush. Colbert isn’t one to
give into facts or statistics. Books are all facts, no heart. Colbert
thinks with his gut. Just like the President. And it’s a well known
fact that “truth has a liberal bias.”
It’s almost excruciating to watch. If you haven’t already, you can
watch the entire thing on Google video. George W. Bush, who has
been extremely careful through his presidency to avoid any direct
contact with detractors or protestors of any kind, was forced to sit
for 24 minutes and listen, with a strained fake smile, as Colbert’s
rapier like wit cut at Bush again, and again, and again. During the
more savage moments, the audience would groan in sympathy as
the President was located a seat away from the Colbert.
The delay schadenfreude didn’t arrive until a year later when the
President’s handler, fearful of another ‘incident,’ booked aging
comedian Rich Little to host the event. Rich Little? No, he’s still
alive.
REV. TED HAGGARD