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AMERICAN SCHADENFREUDE
Schadenfreude is a German word meaning “pleasure taken from someone else's misfortune.” The America equivalent is the sarcastic, “Aw, it couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy.” )
Obviously the most delicious schadenfreude is homegrown from the finest in superior ultra-conservative piety and self- righteousness, but not all the best schadenfreude comes from the front page and not all stories are buried deep in the past.
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JUDGE ROBERT SOMMA
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Fifty years ago a judge wearing a dress was a hangin' offense. Today it's just another news cycle. On Feb. 6th, 63 year old Judge Robert Somma was arrested for DWI after he hit a pick-up truck. Highway patrol found him wearing a black women's cocktail dress, fishnet stockings and high heels. Lately, things like that are hardly worth noticing, but it’s hard to ignore male on male rape.
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On April 3rd, Cumberland Country Commissioner, Bruce Barclay was arrested for the male rape of a prostitute he purchased from Harrisburg Frat Boys dot com. And then came the revelation that Bruce was innocent. How do we know? Conservative Republican Barclay secretly videotaped all of his sexual encounters with male prostitutes. Hundreds of them.
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For some reason gourmet schadenfreude always tastes better with secret videos.
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And don’t get Bill Allen mixed up with Sherman
Allen. On Feb. 21st, Reverend Sherman Allen
of Fort Worth's Shiloh Institutional Church of
God in Christ (a Pentecostal sect) was
accused of anally raping women and then
paddling them. Local papers delighted in using
his nick-name, "Reverend Spanky."
For some reason America wasn’t surprised
when it was revealed that Claude Allen was
Bush’s domestic policy advisor. There was
a certain ZEN to it.
Talk show hosts are always good for a snicker. For the self-righteous
like Bill O’Reilly and Rush Limbaugh, schadenfreude is easily achieved.
In 2003, when Limbaugh was arrested for ‘doctor shopping’ in an effort
obtain more pain medication suddenly Mr. Know-it-all was caught
groveling to his maid to help him find a fix. Under court order, Limbaugh
must now submit to random drug testing and is prohibited from owning a
firearm.
Bill pleaded guilty in 2007, but his sentencing has
been delayed. Allegations have surfaced that
brings the schadenfreude like a priest to an altar
boy. It seems Allen has been having a decade long
affair with a crack whore he met when she was
thirteen.
SKY PILOTS JABBERING INTO HEAVEN
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Even though Mackris protested, O’Reilly wouldn’t shut up. The
schadenfreude train doesn’t pull into the station until the news
surfaced that Mackris recorded everything. A quick internet search will
easily reveal a verbatim text of O’Reilly’s sexual predilections, including
the time he brought himself to orgasm with a vibrator while talking to
her.
O’Reilly settled the lawsuit for an undisclosed sum. Duuh.
A side-order of schadenfreude comes with this
meal when her parents decided to use the little
book of crack whore baby names. Bambi Tyree
was the winner.
After the first complainant stepped forward,
four foot tall Allen was besieged with
accusations from other women regarding how
he attempted to vanquish the lesbian demon
that dwelt within their vagina - with his penis.
Bill Allen is the famous Republican and
CEO of Veco oil who bribed his way
around the Alaskan legislature just
enough to secure himself a reservation
with the Department of Corrections.
In October of 2004, Bill O'Reilly, right-wing conservative talk show host
on Fox News, was sued for sexual harassment by his producer, Andrea
Mackris. On many occasions she was phone sex raped by O’Reilly.
And don’t confuse Bill Allen with Claude Allen.
Claude was the Allen given the “highest
ranking / petty criminal” award after pleading
guilty in 2006 to theft. A criminal mastermind,
Claude thought it would be a good idea to
make phony returns at discount department
stores but instead received a $500 fine and
was given two years probation.
The religious always-right have contributed to America's
schadenfreude like no other group. Jim Bakker’s story of
stealing millions from his ministry doesn’t reach
schadenfreude status until America heard what many
consider to be “the immaculate line.” Trying to seduce
his secretary, Jessica Hahn, Bakker said, “If you help
the shepherd, you help the flock.” In September of
2004, TBN televangelist Paul Crouch followed Bakker’s
tradition of ritual embarrassment by paying Enock
Lonnie Ford $425,000 to conceal their homosexual
liaisons at the network-owned cabin at Lake Arrowhead.
Jim and Tammie Faye Bakker
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In 1986 Reverend Jimmy Swaggart worked diligently as his own worst enemy.
After exposing fellow minister Marvin Gorman’s affair with a parishioner,
Gorman hired a private investigator to follow Swaggart. Shortly thereafter
pictures were produced showing Swaggart and a prostitute enter a cheap
hotel. After being confronted with the pictures Swaggart refused to come
clean, but by 1988 he was forced into admitting his terrible sin and gave his
famous tearful speech, “I have sinned against you, my Lord, and I would ask
that your precious blood would wash and cleanse every stain until it is in the
seas of God's forgiveness,” which is now used by countless heathens such as
myself for the Thanksgiving blessing.
Gary Aldridge
Gary Aldridge is one of the greatest in hidden schadenfreude stories. In Oct. of
2007, Rev. Gary Aldridge was a well liked pastor of the Thorington Road Baptist
Mega-Church in Alabama. Once again, the best schadenfreude doesn’t arrive until
after the event. With his wife and kids out of town, Aldridge thought it would be a fun
to insert a dildo into his rectum before putting on a rubber suit and accidently
hanging himself. When police found him they said every inch of his body was
covered with rubber. (Including the condom that covered the dildo.) Autopsy
recorded that he was found hogtied and wearing two complete wet suits, including a
face mask, diving gloves, slippers, rubberized underwear, and a head mask.
Obviously, a man's death isn't really schadenfreude material. The schadenfreude in
the story arrives as a consequence.
“What is autoerotic asphyxiation daddy?”
They couldn’t explain his death at Sunday mass. They couldn’t post it on the
community bulletin board. They probably came out and said, “Sorry, he’s dead. No
reason. He just died.” How could they say anything else? You can’t just serve - dildo,
rubber suit and autoerotic asphyxiation - on a delicate congregation and then follow
with Amazing Grace. (Although, I would have paid to have seen that.) News must
have spread like a Vegas bride. My schadenfreude guru woke up thinking about the
myriad of right-wing Alabama grandmothers that were given an advance study
course in fetish and fetish safety. Does grandma have a safety word?

It made front page news in November of 2006 when founder of the Association of
Life-Giving Churches and leader of the National Association of Evangelicals, Ted
Haggard was caught having sex with a male masseuse after purchasing
methamphetamines. Wait for it. . . . the schadenfreude didn’t arrive until Haggard
decided his atonement was to attend three weeks of intensive anti-homosexual
counseling, overseen by four other ministers. By February of 2007, the job was
done and minister with two first names, Tim Ralph, pronounced Haggard
“completely heterosexual,” and America burped a sarcastic ‘yeah, sure.’ It doesn’t
take a genius to imagine that those four ministers were also repressed
homosexuals hell bent on subduing their own pants demons. Word on the internet
is several gay oriented adult video companies are creating their own docu-dramas
of Haggard’s treatment.
Pray the gay away
MARK FOLEY
It’s a well known joke that Congressmen have a long tradition of abhorring
bookmarks because they prefer to bend over the pages. Jokes have a way of
sticking around when anchored with a thread of truthiness. There are several
internet lists of congressional closeted homosexuals, but you can’t mention gay
right wing republicans without mentioning, Mark Foley. In September of 2006
Republican Congressman Mark Foley made front page news when he abruptly
resigned from Congress after “sexually explicit” emails surfaced showing him
flirting with a 16-year old boy. Foley is only worth mentioning because his text
message “flirting,” was nothing of the sort. Take the time on the internet to
download his IM messages and you’ll find what may be the very first ever
documented case of IM cybersex. (Not an easy thing to do while typing with one
hand.)
Dr. David Hager
Apparently, how women have sex is a huge concern for Dr. W. David Hager.
In 2003, as a Bush appointee to the FDA’s advisory committee to women’s
health, Hager did his best to stop over-the-counter sales of the day-after pill.
Something like that was against his religion. But exploiting women publically
was nothing compared to what he was doing behind closed doors. In 2005 an
article in The Nation brought a first hand account of Hager-sex, by his wife,
the victim. She claimed he had anally raped her for 8 years, often leaving
money in payment for her prostitution services after he was finished. She
would receive more for oral sex. The story only gets weirder after that. When
he was asked about the anal sex he said, “I missed.” Dr. Hager is a
gynecologist.
Mark Foley
Dr. David Hager
PROSTITUTION
Governor Elliot Spitzer - lightweight.
Spitzer doesn’t make the cut. While it’s true that Spitzer is the worst kind of
hypocrite by vigorously prosecuting cases of prostitution when he was
attorney general, the story of a politician caught with a call girl is hardly
unique. $80,000 for prostitutes? That doesn’t even make it into the record
books. A discriminating shadenfreudist must only look back to 2004 when
conservative activist and benefactor to many Christian groups in Montana,
Richard A. Dasen Sr., was arrested after paying a 15 year old girl for sex.
Once again, that’s where the story begins.
Upon careful auditing of Dasen’s expenditures, police estimated that Dasen
spent more than 5 million dollars on prostitutes over the last decade. Their
conclusions were confirmed when the rate of petty crimes rose sharply in
the area. Dasen was singlehandedly supporting the methamphetamine
trade for most of the state by only employing addicts. If that wasn’t enough,
as owner of the Christian Financial Counseling service, Dasen often
‘prayed’ upon the cash strapped young women that arrived looking for help
to manage and consolidate their debts.
The schadenfreude icing-on-the-cake arrives when asking the question,
how did the cops know Dasen spent 5 million dollars on prostitutes?
Answer: He always paid with a check. Once again proving the adage, the
best schadenfreude arrives with a side order of stupidity.

RICHARD A. DASEN
REV. GARY ALDRIDGE
TOP 3 AMERICAN SCHANDENFREUDE
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At first glance Vice-President Cheney’s hunting "accident" will forever be
remembered as the defining moment in American schadenfreude. Not only
did the public receive a dose of weirdness not seen since the Aaron Burr -
Alexander Hamilton duel, they were suddenly privy to what drunk neo-
conservatives do for fun. It wasn’t enough to shoot lobbyists in the face,
Cheney’s fetish was to kill birds already bred in captivity and then only
allowed to fly, for the first time, when he kicked them loose from the scrub
bush where they were placed. Many Americans still remember and revere
the moment when John Stewart brought forth an expensive tea set to help
the audience enjoy the schadenfreude of the moment. It was difficult not to
laugh as his audience was impatiently waiting.
DICK CHENEY
While Cheney’s shot heard round the world is excellent schadenfreude, it
only comes in at #3 in America’s best. (but only because there's no
video.) The top 2 come fully recorded. Coming in at #2 is President
George Bush, Sr.
Most 3-Stooges pie fight scenes are staged in the middle of the most
dignified of events for a reason. It’s just funnier. In 1992, when our
President, George Bush Sr., leaned over during a diplomatic dinner and
vomited all over the lap of the Japanese Prime Minister, that was funny.
To be fair, there wasn’t a dignified way for the ultra-conservative
Japanese Prime Minister to respond so he just sat there, with a stoic look
on his face, as if being vomited upon by the most powerful man in the
world was something he hadn’t noticed. I felt terrible for the Prime
Minister but I couldn’t stop laughing at him. It couldn’t have happened to
a nicer guy.
# 1 - STEPHEN COLBERT
Do a search on http://video.google.com/
Mr. Colbert holds the top spot. On April 29, 2006, Stephen
Colbert, during the White House Correspondents dinner, stepped
up and did what no other man in the media ever dared to do... .
You see, Colbert agrees with President Bush. Colbert isn’t one to
give into facts or statistics. Books are all facts, no heart. Colbert
thinks with his gut. Just like the President. And it’s a well known
fact that “truth has a liberal bias.”
It’s almost excruciating to watch. If you haven’t already, you can
watch the entire thing on Google video. George W. Bush, who has
been extremely careful through his presidency to avoid any direct
contact with detractors or protestors of any kind, was forced to sit
for 24 minutes and listen, with a strained fake smile, as Colbert’s
rapier like wit cut at Bush again, and again, and again. During the
more savage moments, the audience would groan in sympathy as
the President was located a seat away from the Colbert.
The delay schadenfreude didn’t arrive until a year later when the
President’s handler, fearful of another ‘incident,’ booked aging
comedian Rich Little to host the event. Rich Little? No, he’s still
alive.


REV. TED HAGGARD
Scroll Down to read the best in American Schadenfruede
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Loeper Jr., F. Joseph Looper, Byran "Low Tax" Loren-Maltese, Betty Lukens, Donald "Buz" Luongo, Gerald J. Malloy, Patrick G. Malone, Lance Manuel, Thomas G. Martin, Hayes Mathes Jr., James R. Matricardi, Edmund III Matthews, Jon Maysky, Eugene McCurnin, Joseph McGee, Charles McGuire, Patrick Lee Meadows, Cory Merla, John Michael, John Mixon, Michael Monteleone Jr., Joseph Morency, Nicholas Murgatroyd, Dick Murphy Jr., Glenn Muschany, Scott Nash, James J. Neal, Rebecca Newton, Chris Ney, Bob Nguyen, Tan Nielsen, Jeffrey Nighbert, Bill Nixon Jr., Kenneth E. Noe, Bernadette Noe, Thomas Noonan, Thomas J. Novak, Lawrence Nugent, Johnny O’Grady, Raymond Oleen, Lana Ortloff, George Chris Owens, Leonard Ray Palughi, Anthony J. Parker, Brent Patti, Jeffrey Pazuhanich, Mark Privette, Coy Prokos, Alexandra Pugh, Edward Rader, Dennis L. Randall, Tom Randall, Jeffrey Kyle Rathmann, Rolf Ravenel, Thomas Raymond, Allen Regola, Robert Renzi, Rick Rice, Steve Ring, Kevin Ringo, Robert R. RoBold, Warren Rosen, Steve Rowland, John
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Rudy, Tony Russell, Beverly Ryan, George Safavian, David Hossein Scanlon, Michael Scannapieco, Matthew V. Schepp, Brent Schofield, Robert T. Schrenko, Linda Scott, Randy Seidensticker, Mark Shaner, Matt Shortridge, Tom Siljander, Mark Deli Skandalakis, Mitch Skiles, Paul Slocum, William Smeltzer Jr., Fred C. Smith, Rick Stanley, Roger “The Hog Stevens, Ted Stillwell, Roger Stroupe Jr, Wade Stumbo, Bobby Sumrow, Ray Swartz, David Symington, Fife Taff, Adam Taft, Bob Tanonaka, Dalton Tate, Mark Tebano, Armando Teele, Arthur Temple, Merle Thompson, Joe Thompson, Donald Thomson, Gary Russell Tobin, James Treffinger, James Trout, Harold Anthony "Tony" Tristano, Michael Turbyfill, Basil Van Vleet, Rick D. Vanderwall, Robin Velella, Guy J. Vellanoweth, Robert Volz, Neil Wade, Mitchell Walker, Derek Walters, Nick Warner, Larry Weissmann, Keith Weldon ,Terance Westberg, Craig Westlake, John E. "Jack" Westmoreland, Keith Weyhrauch, Bruce White, C. Stephen Wilkes ,Brent Williams, Robin Wilson, Bob Zachares, Mark Zimmerman, Al
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On first glance Bill Allen doesn't make the schadenfreude cut, but don’t get
Bill Allen confused with Bob Allen. In November 2007, Bob was the Allen
arrested for offering an undercover male cop $20 for oral sex in a public
restroom.
We all cried ourselves to sleep when it was revealed that he was a Floridian
State Representative and co-Chairman of “McCain for President.”
THE ALLENS
Channeling Austin Powers, Thompson first claimed the penis pump
was a gag gift. He never used it. But most importantly, Thompson
swore by all that was holy, that he never once masturbated while on
the bench.
Cue CSI music. William Peterson: “Your Honor, we took a look at your
robes and underneath your bench; we hit it with a black light and it lit
up like someone has been shooting white neon paintballs.
That’s right, when the police turned their ultra-violet light onto the
judges robes, semen stains fully illuminated the inside. Same for the
judges’ bench. If that wasn’t enough, the prosecution went to the
trouble of testing the DNA stains just in case another judge was
sneaking into the court and night and masturbating his way around
the room. Thompson would of been better off pleading a small penis.
Bill O' the Clown
Schadenfreude free editors note: For years many have noticed that O'Reilly acts like a child when challenged on his show. His process runs the gambit between direct ridicule to switching off his guest's microphone to manic outbursts. After reading the O'Reilly phone sex transcripts it becomes apparent that Bill is, in fact, emotionally around 14 years old - - - this explains many of his hateful opinions.
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Judge Donald Thompson
While it’s fun to snicker at the
forced education of homosexual
restroom foot etiquette authored
by Senator Larry Craig, Judge
Donald Thompson, the penis
pump judge, brings the
schadenfreude like no other in
recent history. Unknown to most,
the real story only begins after
he was caught.
It’s important to note that gourmet schadenfreude is served with a
side order of stupidity. Thompson knew his clerk had seen him naked
beneath his judicial robes on several occasions but the compulsion to
enlarge his penis was too great. For weeks, members of the court
could hear a ‘wooshing’ sound arising from beneath the judge’s
bench. Video tapes of the proceedings recorded the sound. By the
time Thompson was arrested, the evidence was overwhelming.
Desperate for a viable defense, his Honorable Judge Donald
Thompson began reaching for an excuse. If the pump would have
been black he would have claimed racism.